amazement from persistence

A Wednesday I did not expect

Today’s musing takes me through various steps where I could have given up but thankfully, in the spirit of the season, I persevered. It is always hard when one the middle of that process.

One of my greatest regrets when I served as “best woman” for my dearest friend. We met the first hour when co-op students at the General Accounting Office. She was an accountant -in-training while I was a history major which meant I relied on her explanations for a whole lot of what we were experiencing. We kept incredibly close touch through that experience, my move to the DC office, graduate schools, and finally when I landed my first teaching job. I was so honored to be her “best woman” as her fiancée called me. The wedding was rather chilly in mid-October on an open balcony but everything went really well.

Dolores also asked me to walk around during the reception, after my obligation ended at the ceremony itself, taking candid shots with her single lens reflex camera. That was when things went awry as I had never used a single reflex camera. I admit dreading the task as I knew I didn’t like putting myself forward with so many people I did not know. I figured it was my obligation as “best woman” to give it the old college try. I finally settled on wondering how hard could it be to take unobtrusive pictures of people enjoying themselves?

If you’re Cynthia, it could be horribly difficult.

The results were undoubtedly a complete failure as neither Dolores nor Chuck ever mentioned the photographs I took. I shot a roll of 36 coloured-film, hoping I was doing better than I feared. I think everything likely was as blurry as a drunk, though I was quite sober since I had to drive elsewhere after the reception ended. I definitely, however, came to the conclusion photography with a serious camera was not in my future. I would stick with the “point and shoot” variety which produced a blah reminder of whatever I had seen on my travels. But, hey, that was a reminder, after all.

My brother, a semi-professional, handed me a digital camera when I turned sixty, to my utter shock. It was a mirrorless camera which was a new concept for me. He remembered my prior feeble attempts but was determined to set me up for success, as any psychologist tells you helps so much.

I won’t say I took to it as a duck to water as I was still leading a structured working life with a DC commute. I initially thoroughly tried capturing dramatic pictures but never “treated” beyond discarding the obviously pitiful ones (most, of course, fell into that category).

I started consciously taking a morning sunrise photograph during the pandemic because both it was one of the things I could control in an era when we felt so helpless and, truthfully, several people said seeing my postings provided them something to look forward to. Some days went extremely well, most shots were so so, but I became much more cognizant of composition, light, and everything else. I also realized many of the captures became merely ho hum because a sunrise happens daily. What would make one catch a SHEBANG sunrise? Since I am utterly incapable of technical skills of any sophistication, I certainly wasn’t doing anything cutsy like photoshopping my friends into a Spa Creek scene or having my dear whimsical friend Jean Steel drop down from the moon or something. I just tried to see why something would be more interesting—or what I thought might be interesting because I was still pretty anxious about showing them to anyone. No, I was petrified. I couldn’t even bring myself to think about taking a course.

I gradually learned I had to share them in order to improve, a revelation of incalculable value. I never want someone to like something because they think I expect a like but I do seek to bring the individual pleasure or inspiration or something. But, the idea of actually doing besides hanging them out for people who were my friends originally seemed insane but I acquired some courage to fail.

Two things happened to drive the change, calling to mind that actions do create consequences even in our personal behaviors. First, I decided that if people don’t like the photo, they could skip it or send me negative feedback. That step is so basic but short-circuited thoughts almost paralyzing me. I look back on how uncomfortable I was circulating anything for fear someone would think I didn’t know either how boring my shots were or, worse, didn’t know what good photography was.

Academics are known for perfectionism, not something I usually think of as my problem, but academics are often some of the world’s neediest people for approval—right up there with anyone who runs for public office. Deciding that approval didn’t matter didn’t matter provided an antidote to worrying about their reactions, good, bad,or indifferent. Of course I prefer good comments but I recognize the greater value of feedback by which to improve. Most of the time I hear nothing which is absolutely fine.

The second thing was that I started embracing photo editing rather than assuming every other photographer actually produced an Ansel Adams quality shot straight out of the camera. It’s not a failure to edit which was my position for ages. Again, you’re going to say “well, duh” but I genuinely thought editing was cheating. I still don’t edit nearly as much as many other people as I rather like what I shoot most of the time, even if I don’t show the individual shots to anyone. But I learned to accept that actions and consequences—shooting, then editing to create a subsequent product—is not sacrilegious or surprising in photography. Most of my edits are refining the focus to a smaller field, providing a closer “feel”, though very occasionally I do something wilder (it’s all relative, folks) than what my camera registers with some intense color. In general, I like collecting what my eyes see, then “reproducing” that view as a photograph as close as possible to what I thought I saw. Editing helps me do that without forcing me to abandon the original memory.i try editing straight away.

My photography has improved as I pay much closer attention to my surroundings. 99% of my mornings still include a picture from our deck, if we’re home, because there are few places with prettier sunrises than Spa Creek’s but I am constantly, without even realizing it most of the time, watching for something truly different, something rich, something intense, and something worth other people’s time. For too long, I simply shot because I thought I was supposed to shoot but am considerably more aware of the specific light at different times of the year, of color and clouds in the autumn and early winter versus the more humid, warm days of summer. I am markedly more selective of what I maintain with far more discards than even six months ago, much less years back.

Maybe everyone else knows this and has always known this “wisdom” but it was a learning process. I still have mastered a grand total of two decent (not great but decent (terms about which there is considerable difference in photography) shots of herons in flight while my retired colleague Walt Barrows does so multiple times daily. I have no idea how he can be that organized, that quick to focus, and that accurate in where he places himself seemingly every bloody day but he does all of above to the point I feel his birds are alive on my screen. I am glad he lives in Maine as I see so much online through his work.

I post my decent shots to several online groups which can be quite rewarding or it may be just another picture . One of them is a Chesapeake Bay group, another an Annapolis gathering where one guy has taken literally tens of thousands of shots of this town on his phone (and they are almost invariably spectacular), and a third is an awe-inspiring collection of solely women photographers. This third group has women who just blow me away every single day. These people each has a way with a camera and subjects that blow every other professional photographer off the web.

That group selected the photograph I circulated this morning as administrator’s choice. I was stunned because I cannot imagine it competing with other photos added to the group today—or any other day. It made my Thanksgiving because I am so appreciative of what I have learned through trial and many, many errors. For the record, the shot is not amped up in color: we had a peculiar pink, truly pink sunrise this morning.

Coincidentally, I donated my final two work suits for someone else to use to a work environment today. One was red and the other lilac, my two favorite colors but I realized this week someone else could use them far more often than I can. This is both a point of closure while a nod to new set of challenges that energize me. I have so much for which to give profound thanks, whether it was a career doing what I absolutely loved or trying not to photograph my feet accidentally.

I welcome any thoughts on how consequences affect your hobbies as well as any other portion of your life. Where are you pushing into new technologies because they appeal or because you have to? Where have you decided to throw aside prior doubts about yourself because you keenly want to pursue something?

If you are traveling, may your traffic definitely not be DC quality. Be well and be safe. FIN