grace in interactions
a public service thought for the holidays
Today is a public service announcement on actions creating consequences. Please feel free to move on if you want something else on the world as I want to focus today on each of us.
We crossed the force field this week into the most intense, hyperbolic period of the year. Sure, in the worldwide web world it feels every day is the most intense but I think that inaccurate. This next five weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s are incredibly hectic, rushed, and bumping days.
Bumping days? These are days when emotions between two or more humans bump into each other because we too often ignore our antennae regarding others. These days trigger overreaction to virtually everyone and everything, yet we are insensitive to the effects we cause much of the time.
And the truth is we don’t have a clue, none of us do, who the people are most likely stressed, depressed, or overwhelmed much as they use all of their energy trying to keep it together.
Please, please, please be aware of how many people struggle to get out of bed at this time of the year. They hate short days of light or detest the commercialization of holidays. Some of them can’t afford to provide what the cousins give their kids which is yet one more thing to crush them. They are doing their best to get the kids out the door to school or participate in an office conversation but their depression or anxiety exhausts them—driving them to look for options to get through the next five minutes. Some of those alternate behaviors are devastating, dangerous, and too often irreversible. For some, the holidays are a period of isolation, a demand to spend when they lack the resources, or a profound disappointment. Worse, they become so mired in self-doubt as to become incapacitated or worse.
It is not our responsibility to fix those things but we can do our part not to make it worse.
Let’s just all be 1% more tolerant every day by simply considering what matters a great deal and what is less important. An old question we have all seen is something to the effect (my husband always smiles because I invariably mangle English phrases) of “Will fill in the blank really matter an hour, much less a year, from now?” If the answer is seriously no, then let the matter drop. We are all so keen (ok, maybe I am projecting here but think it’s more than just me) to be right all of the time, to correct something someone else things that isn’t absolutely spot on, or to stabilize the world when none of whatever we are talking about matters a whit to someone overwhelmed by everything, no matter how small to any of us. Let’s try 1% of each day to be less perfect in correcting others.
Am I saying not to stop a child running in front of a car in the street? Don’t be daft. If you see something regarding life or death unfolding in front of you, of course I advocate for acting! But we are too often busy conflating levels of importance in a way that overwhelms some struggling with depression.
I am asking that we be a bit more human and considerably less superhuman, I suppose. I am suggesting we need offer more quiet listening and less direct correcting of others behavior.
How does this matter? During this time of such enhanced stress, you may be the person who is able to keep someone going, even if you don’t know you’re doing it, by listening. By not criticizing, by not commenting on some insignificant thing everyone else, you may offer a refuge for someone just wanting a human interaction rather than someone to solve problems. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful gift for anyone of us, even if we never in fact know we are claiming it?
Merely some thoughts during this holiday season.
I welcome any rebuttals, challenges, suggestions, or comments as I most definitely do not have all the answers. I appreciate your consideration. Thank you for your time with this column. Please feel free to circulate it if you find it valuable. Thank you to the subscribers who support Actions create Consequences.
Being a gentle light for others is a gift.
Be well and be safe. FIN
Your observations are always, always, always spot on, Jim. Sounds like an interesting trip to Tacoma but you are home safely. Santa should not visit too many of them!
Great thoughts! I think there is a proximity component to "bumping" days! The more we're crammed in among other humans, the more our anxiety tends to rise. When we were living out on the East Coast, you couldn't have paid me any amount of money to get on I-95 over a holiday week / weekend and go anywhere. I don't do traffic well. However, this week, we drove from Boise Idaho to the Tacoma area to my sister's house for Thanksgiving. I averaged 75 mph for 7 hours between here and there...only slowing as we got around Seattle area proper. I could physically feel my anxiety level rise as I watched other humans aggressively cut people off in long lines of traffic to get 2 car lengths ahead. I affectionately refer to these people as oxygen thieves! Pretty sure Santa will NOT be visiting them on Christmas Eve!
Side note: I've always found the perceived anonymity of a car an amusing fact. Driver's have no issues being totally maniacal, rude, self-serving idiots devoid of most basic human kindness when they are enclosed in a couple tons of steel and glass with the radio up. Interesting that these same knuckleheads would probably not come from the side of a long line backed up at Target to cut in at the last minute in front of the cashier. People are strange.
Anyway, our drive back from Tacoma to Boise was relaxing, enjoyable and stress free. There were some stretches of interstate highway where we saw maybe one or two cars w/in miles. That, when combined with the wide open vistas of Eastern Oregon and S. West Idaho, made for a really nice weekend overall.
As for "listening"... yep! Distracted listening has always been a pet peeve of mine. Not that what I might have to say is earth-shaking commentary...but more so that I just find it rude when a person is not actively listening in a voluntary conversation. It's gotten to the point (especially later in my life) that when I see the other person pivot their attention to the TV, phone, or something else, I'll stop in mid-sentence and not engage until they reacquire me as a target. Sometimes that never happens and they even fail to acknowledge the situation through a comment such as: "oh, sorry, you were saying...?"
One of my favorite quotes: "God gave humans one mouth and two ears. Most times, it's best to exercise the true intent of that design." Quote is by... well... me!
Happy Holidays all! Take a breath and give your fellow humans a break by showing some kindness and tolerance.