in hopes of equanimity

gratitude's role for one person

The colour seemed delayed this morning as the clouds intervened until we had a completely spectacular pink sky. I could easily have missed it but did happen to look up, thankful to find the surprise in full glory.

As the weekend draws to a close, I am thankful for what a consequential summer it’s been. Actions Create Consequences is a theme I see as intertwined with gratitude on virtually anything, whether it’s people-driven actions or processes well beyond our control do so. Some consequences are delightful (finding an unanticipated hibiscus to photograph in October) but others are harder to accept gracefully because they are permanent such as the loss of a friend to cancer.

It is trite to remind ourselves time passes and we ought be thankful for that. Yet we far too seldomly examine our own role in the lives we live. As foolish as that sounds, we we too often take no responsibility for our own actions while assigning responsibility and blame, fi not malicious intent, to the cosmos, our neighbours, colleagues, the dogs barking down the street and everything else as if we were perpetually victims.

Victims then can’t be held responsible for any of it, right?

How about looking occasionally for explanations that are more positive and emphasise our responsibilities through being grateful for the experiences and outcomes we received?

What a concept.

This is not, repeat not saying that others not have responsibility over their actions towards us or others. People are responsible for their actions—period. They are. It’s one of the aspects of having a brain and analytical capacity as a ‘higher level being’ (a term perhaps not as felicitous in our contemporary world when we see stupidity but I am talking hypothetically here). We are lucky we have those capabilities and options to exercise the powers we have.

Victimisation is so pervasive in our society but it’s also selective responsibility. It is creating the pernicious ideas of entitlement leading to societal upheavals manifested in so many manners: violence, destructive behaviour towards others, egotistical aggrandisement, narcissism, and a seeminly unending list of things we all bemoan.

I was at a Barnes & Noble in Freehold, New Jersey several years ago when I ploughed through a pretty light volume by some guy whose life was falling apart until he started writing thank you letters. No, I am not kidding. He consciously set out to write a thank you letter every single day of whatever calendar year he was writing about (I don’t recall the specific year).

He took a minute step to reframe his own thinking to focus on what he could do for himself rather than whining about being the victim of things that probably weren’t even aimed at him except in his own mind (as he ultimately realised) Did he create world peace? No, but did he find that focusing on the aspects of his life deserving thanks made me realise how many there were and how little he had ever focused on the incredible life he had in the midst of whining about all he didn’t have.

I was every bit as skeptical as you likely are. I read this book as a time filler as I was awaiting a family dinner. I found the hypothesis he was testing intriguing and pretty simple to test.

I set out to articulate thanks for even small things I had never considered. I knew I had always been pretty negative in my outlook so wasn’t it worth it, even later in life, if I could become less critical of the things? Hey, what was the harm?

About seven years later, I like my attitude and reactions much better as I consciously try focusing on gratitude for all I have. I also see much more clearly where my own ‘lanes’ are and why I can’t fix everything. I wish I were 100% successful but am not yet what I do manage to do revolutionises my life many days.

So, I too started writing thank you letters. As a professional in the Defense Department, I had written pro forma thank you letters for years. It’s the right thing to do in a formal organisation which certainly describes DoD. I began, however, focusing on what I really received from the person I was addressing: detailing why I was writing the letter. What in detail had I learned and infinitely more importantly why did it matter and why would it make me better in the future. Sounds utterly daft, sophomoric, and embarrassing.

I even do it by hand if aat all possible.

It gives me a broader appreciation both for life’s complexities and how incredlble my life is right now. In thinking of about a reason to thank someone every day, I genuinely had to consider life in a wholistic manner. Again, sounds ridiculous but it was a hard earned daily educational experience I could not have gained any other way.

And I realise what things are not mine to fix. I am eternally thankful for that lesson as I see that not fixing things for someone else may be more helpful to them than anything else I do. That basic lesson too often escaped me in the past as I figured I could fix it all. Uh, not so much as embarrassing as that admission may be.

I won’t pretend I am no longer snarky about some things (we know I am) or that I am not impatient too often (impatience + Cynthia = definitely still a work in progress) but consiciously turning to find gratitude led to a more pervasive sense of equanimity for everything that happens, whether I am the subject or the verb of the action, Turns out the guy who wrote the book was not the only one to recognise through sustained effort that actions create amazing consequences.

And we need as much calm, balance, and equanimity as we can find any and everywhere these days.

All of this especially led me to understand my own role in things much more clearly. We all want everyone to have the best opinion of us but deep down we are generally our own worst critics. Sometimes we deserve the self-criticism fifty over but many other times we use self criticism to prevent examining our role in things. Gratitude has helped me be more able looking at actions all the way around because I have learned to that not having experienced something means I might never have seen a vital lesson about things I alone control: my own thoughts and actions.

Such a lesson at my rather advanced stage in life. I realise this is too ‘woo’ for many of you but I am still thankful that it has been bringing me more balance, at least.

Thank you for bearing with my musings today. I appreciate any thoughts on this or any other column.

Be well and be safe. Life is so many good things rather than merely all the bad. FIN