Martin Buber's unknown paths

gratitude for 4 friends and our journey over years

We are on a trip to two cities that strike me as somewhat similar, perhaps because a portion of the architecture. St. Paul, Minnesota, has some absolutely stately homes along Summit Avenue which reminded me so much of the equally beautiful homes in some sections of Kansas City. Obviously they were built in the same era by their appearances, when both midwestern cities celebrated the joy of early 20th century prosperity, hope, and growth.

I laud a superb dinner at La Grolla last night with a server who obviously enjoyed her job more than anyone I have met in years, even when one of our dinners arrived late. She had the panache to offer a corrective that was pretty classy as well. Tonight’s meal ought be truly spectacular at Cafe Alma in Minneapolis. Thank goodness locals know where we need go. We are on a planned march in Kansas City, confident one can’t go more than two blocks without finding the best barbeque in the world (no, i don’t want to hear the malarky about Texas or Memphis or the like, either).

We didn’t come to the Twin Cities nor are we off to Kansas City to fawn over the homes or to celebrate the amazing cuisine. We are celebrating gratitude for four distinct people who have been so central to the past fifty years. Now that I am truly recovered from working for a year, it’s time to note why.

First on this trip is our friend from the War College who was the stoic in my first twenty-two years there. She was the rock at the institution upon which we all relied regardless of the challenge. Her unswerving Integrity, patience, optimism, open door, protection of private conversations, vision for helping us move our program forward, and unceasing dedication to the assessment mission never ceased to awe me. She taught me so much about a world of I thought I could ignore because it wasn’t what I had ever done. As it turned out after she retired, that knowledge she had instilled in me became pivotal to my efforts as Dean of Faculty and then Provost. Thank goodness she stuck with me on that because I was a terrible, difficult pupil at times but she was right and I was so far wrong.

I was disappointed when she retired as we had coffee together every morning for over a decade but fully understood why she did not relish the drive (much longer than ours) when she and her husband could enjoy well-deserved time together. I was not surprised she returned to Minnesota but her absence at the College and in the D.C. area still sparks questions from colleagues present and retired as to how she is. Her centrality to the College community had been so profound. It’s such a deep joy seeing her, her husband, and their inevitable cat (of which we certainly approve).

One of our next destinations is lunch with my oldest friend from college and his wife. He and I began as pre-law students in the afterglow of Watergate, the upheavals of the Nixon pardon, and the final gasps of the Vietnam conflict. He grew up in Missouri and we determined at some point that our extended families probably crossed path years back even though I did not go to school here. We met at new student orientation and had only two classes together over the years: tennis our first term and an introductory political science course. He went to law school, I departed that trajectory, and went off overseas again.

Yet, he kept in touch. I doubt he will ever know what that meant. I moved around so much of my life and was always the one to try maintaining or occasionally resusitating friendships. This fellow and I have written letters, and now email messages, over 45 years, regardless what we were up to. I heard about his engagement (and we were part of the surprise for their 40th anniversary 13 months ago), birth of his and his wonderful wife’s kids (the youngest only 5 months older than my first), his trips with his Spanish-immersion educated family, his wife sent us our first congratulations card upon our marriage, and on and on and on. They have been to see us and we to see them many times. And we will again as our conversations block out everyone else once the two of them meet us over a meal.

We don’t have social media links. Yes, you read that right. I am FB friends with all three of his kids but not with my friend nor his wife. And that is the point of this friendship being one for which I have such gratitude: we take time to write letters (ok, sometimes by computer) but full letters to each other. It’s an amazing link and it’s a deeper link than the ephemeral of social media. He also never forgets to discuss how the world works which is so refreshing.

Second, again in Kansas City, is my wonderful friend who knew what she was doing when we started at the General Accounting Office in the late 1970s; I had no clue. I mean no clue. Now, the organisation did not hire me to be an accountant, asking me instead to bring a diverse background (guaranteed I was the only person in the 125 staff auditors in that regional office with a degree in history). But when my first supervisor asked me about my accounting background, then grumbled ‘Why the hell do they hire people like you?’, my brand new friend calmed me. She always calms me and everyone else lucky enough to know her. Her ability to weather whatever life tosses her way is truly inspiring.

She is supportive regardless my craziness and my disappointing moves whether it was as the two youngsters in the office, failing to get pictures at her wedding because I did not understand her camera, facing sexual harrassment, helping move a mattress which we had not secured on top of a car from one side of the city to another, or teaching me to drive a stickshift on the flat land of Muskogee, Oklahoma during the only audit we were on together (ot burning out her clutch remains a major source of pride). In retrospect, I realise how much I lost in moving away from that kind of day-to-day friendship to pursue my career but that time we worked together and the years afterwards have taught me so much about grace, dedication, and balance. She and her husband drove all the way to Annapolis and DC for my retirement which I will never forget not just for the effort that took but because it was closure to our mutual work chapter. The GAO chapter which neither of us relished was a foundation in my life because of the friendship that resulted.

My mentor from the University of Missouri Kansas City holds an unparalleled place in my career, of course. Women today don’t have a clue how rare role models were a mere fifty years back. Her style, her wit, her scholarship, her teaching, and her willingness to engage with me as if she had absolutely nothing else going on in her life made such an impact. I had been shy (seriously), reserved, hiding behind perfectionism to veil the fear of failures borne of previous disappointments but she coaxed me into a new world. I remember seeing her after right the graduation ceremony, knowing I was leaving Kansas City for the east coast. I was honoured she suggested we keep in touch and decades later, we do. She holds a special place in my career and has become close to my husband as well which is such a gift. I continue thanking her every single day for the model she is.

One of my favourite quotes is from the Jewish mystic Martin Buber: All journeys have a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware. These four people are part of my on-going journey, as are many others, but I am lucky we are getting to spend time with them this week. Don’t take that for granted when you think of those on your journey—spend time with them. FIN