the power YOU have
Gratitude in action
The Chesapeake Bay region was simply lovely today with bright sunlit skies (yes, a few clouds decided to join us midday but left before dinner since they were not invited), and warm temperatures for late November. I had to run an errand mid-morning, noting many folks out walking in anticipation of their feast later. Perhaps a dozen craft went up or down Spa Creek during the day, recognising that soon the chill will close this as a pleasant option for about four months, if things unfold along an average course.
I suspect most of us took at least a brief inventory of what we have to appreciate on a national day of Thanksgiving. We live in a country of both unparalleled beauty and relative freedom to see the physical expanse of the United States. We are not all phenomenally wealthy but many of us have bounty manifested this afternoon as we sat for a meal with family and friends.
We are not in Lake Woebegone, however, and turning a blind eye to the divisions destroying our society won’t shut out the real dangers we face. I abhor the cost of health care out of the reach of so many citizens. I wish we could agree that climate is altering the lifestyle that we have built to a degree that I honestly cannot see how we can continue yet I don’t see a lot of concession to the need for change. I see schools failing, political and economic illiteracy that contributes to institutional distrust, ignorance of the world beyond the individual street we live on much less three states away or in a foreign country. There are so many things that sadden me to no end which probably seems an odd theme for today.
Millions of people say they feel emotionally isolated in this country, turning to online sites for human contact. People unable or unwilling to meet face-to-face with others, even though humans crave touch, personal eye contact, and personal validation, find that need more satisfyingly fulfilled online where scurilous, unproven, ludicrous assertions may breed paranoia or suck their bank accounts clear through gambling or shopping. Some turn online to find politial friends, potentially leading to violent extremist groups founded by like-minded souls. I recoil at the naked hatred I see proliferating and spreading daily. Further, I simply do not understand why virtually every daily requires a detailed story on a mass shooting on the streets of this country. President Biden’s observed only yesterday that increased violence struck a number of households over the past fortnight, preventing those families from celebrating a cherished national moment. This has not felt, under any party, like a country striving towards a common purpose but one slipping further behind daily. I could continue but know you know all of this.
Anecdotally, a theme we hear among so many people involved in violence is a sense of isolation, of being loners, of being cast out. I also hear constantly that those under 40, especially males, seem almost invariably feel this lack of connection with others right now, many of them unable to find sustained friendships to nurture their lives, much less build long-term romatic relationships.
I don’t know whether that isolation is contributing to more mass shootings but suspect there is some link somewhere.
The post-COVID world affects everyone over the age of two in the United States of course. That means folks want to believe they matter to someone. People want to believe someone knows they got out of bed this morning with too many of them feeling they must act out to prove this.
I think what people are really seeking is validation someone knows they are here and that they exist.
That is pretty basic but strikes me as what we hear repeatedly from high school students who are chatting to their parents about what happened in Chemistry today or an individual screaming at 2 a.m. on a street near Wrigley Field. Validation results from many things, sadly too many of them disasterous. Listen to how many conversations you hear that are in one way or another, regardless of the topic, self-referential. It is an astoundingly high number if you listen.
Validating behaviour can have negative results, of course. I know that when a you hit a dog with a newspaper, the dog is highly likely to growl, if not attack the next person who picks up a newspaper or shakes one in the dog’s direction. Yes, there is a fine line between encouragement and deterrence. But, I am talking about what I do to provide positive validation where I can.
No, none of us can fix everything on our own and don’t mock for me saying we can. That is not my point. I believe in the Japanese concept of kaizen, constant, repeated steps to improve something. I try applying kaizen to working with those few folks I come across who will react to me listening, encouraging, and validating them. I am working on much more consciously than I did a few years ago by listening to and responding to, even if briefly but repeatedly, young people who need this reminder after COVID.
Mentor a young woman by listening to her. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. By listening to a young woman who feels utterly marginalized when she is cut off by others repeatedly in converation, you may make an incredible difference in her life. She may have doubts born of some event you know nothing about but your willingness to listen to her, chat with her, and offer her a small suggestion for her to work towards a small goal she has. That woman might serve on the Surpreme Court evantually if you giver her some support. Try it. You will at least show her she is not a wall paper ignored by all.
Serving on a hotline where young men can call in when they need a voice to hear them doesn’t mean you have to be a PhD in counselling but you can listen, share your own experiences, and validate someone hears the challenges of being gay in a rural community without access to a network of friends. That youngster might never call that hotline again because he hangs up understanding that he is not unique in feeling isolation, frustration, or lack of direction. He may also learn from you that we rarely have our lives written out in a predictable line at 17 so a youth with doubts is common rather than an outlier.
This will strike many of you as pie-in-the-sky; it admittedly is. On the other hand, our current approach as a society is not working. I want to offer what small pieces of validation I can to ameliorate what I can.
Why? Why am I bothering you with this on a satisfying Thanksgiving day? Couldn’t I just talk about football (Michigan or Ohio State? Go Blue) or pumpkin pie or something else?
I am so incredibly thankful for each and every person who took time to mentor me over the years of my life to help me get to where I am today. Sometimes those mentors were close friends who listened to me more hours than I can count because I was confused or furious or just a dear friend. Some were professional contacts who imparted one single savvy point that I have never forgotten. Some were passing conversations like the one I had on a flight from the East Coast to LAX in January 1986 when a make up guy from Hollywood seated next to me pointed out I was dressing hideously old and that I really cannot wear brown (a family of colours I won’t allow as close to me as the state line these days because he was sooo right),
What I suggest here is not going to solve our societal woes nor is it guaranteed to alter one person’s life. It is, however, something I have control over which is a lot better than wringing my hands as I await someone else finding a fix when I might help one person. Just a thought but one that I wanted to offer you today.
We have so much in this country and so much for which we can show thanks in many ways. Thanks for hanging with me today. Be careful out there if you go near a mall tomorrow as I suspect the pent up demand from the last couple of years means more folks will be out tomorrow. Be well and be thankful as I am for the photographs which opened and closed my view of this world today. FIN
